Things My Jewish Mother Taught Me

Opened my mailbox this morning and found this little jewel:

My Jewish mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My Jewish mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My Jewish mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Jewish mother taught me MORE LOGIC:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Jewish mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
(Nope, in fact it was my Jewish grandmother who taught me that - Ed.)

My Jewish mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My Jewish mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Jewish mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
(Still sitting there - Ed.)

My Jewish mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times--don't exaggerate!"

My Jewish mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
(But Mommy, I love my Dad! - Ed.)

My Jewish mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
(So true - Ed.)

My Jewish mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until we get home."

My Jewish mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Jewish mother taught me ESP:"
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My Jewish mother taught me DARK HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Jewish mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Jewish mother taught me GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Jewish mother taught me WISDOM:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
(I'm past your age, Mommy, and still clueless - Ed.)

And the most enduring one: My Jewish mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Oh, God, how I miss my Jewish mother!